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Bender

brandawg


One Arm the Mermaid That's Also Part Unicorn with Bigfoot

A story in at least four parts


Lost
Hurley
brandawg
So, Lost ended. And I wrote some thoughts down. How are you doing?

SPOILERS!Collapse )

The Torch lets idiots write editorials.
Do It!, Svenborgia, "LET'S SMASH THINGS!", Umaga
brandawg
rspwfa2 posted this excerpt from an editorial over at the Torch:
"The younger guys need to be given the ball. ... The older guys have had their run ... They are taking the spots away from the younger guys."

Now, although there is some truth to those criticisms and both WWE and TNA could do a better job creating new stars, the fact of the matter and the harsh reality of the situation is that most of the new stars (with few exceptions) are not that good. Most of them are at least adequate in the ring, but when it comes to the things that make the money (image, promos, style) many of them simply do not match up to the generation before them.

The idea that a multi-million dollar company (in TNA's case) or a close to a billion dollar company (in WWE's case) should voluntarily give the ball to individuals who have not demonstrated their ability to carry the ball on their own is silly.

It is almost insulting to suggest that wrestlers who have given ten or more years of their lives to the wrestling business and who have made millions of dollars for the companies that they have worked for should unceremoniously give their spots up to wrestlers who don't even know how to cut a promo.

The rest of the article is filled with idiocy in that same vein.

This is the biggest Catch-22 in wrestling and, to make a labored analogy, feels like something one of the town hall crazies would say when voicing their opposition to health care reform because the corporations have never steered us wrong, you Nazi! The young guys aren't ready to be top level main eventers because they can't cut promos and don't carry themselves like stars! People get the ball by getting themselves over and taking it! OTHER MIXED METAPHORS!

Let's break this down.

"The idea that a multi-million dollar company (in TNA's case) or a close to a billion dollar company (in WWE's case) should voluntarily give the ball to individuals who have not demonstrated their ability to carry the ball on their own is silly." - With very few exceptions, no one is ever truly ready to be a main event guy. I have an undying love for the Rock that is only outmatched by the love I have for my wife, and even I can admit that the dude was not ready when they strapped the rocket to his ass. The same can be said for Stone Cold, initially, too. And once they are "ready" that's never a guarantee that they'll get to the top-level. Take a look at CM Punk and Jeff Hardy. Jeff has been delivering the best stuff of his career and can finally be considered a dude on top(1)...but it was probably a year and a half too late as a win against Randy Orton at the 2008 Royal Rumble would have been that shove he needed. CM Punk, meanwhile, is almost there, in part because of the Hardy feud. The problem remains with the company. WWE doesn't have the attention span to stick with someone in order to make them a main event guy. Triple H was soundly rejected by the fans for almost a year when he was being groomed for world championship run and for a time after he won it. However, they stuck by him (long before he was boning Stephanie and had cemented himself into the McMahon clan) until the fans accepted him as a star and main event player. The illusion of stardom is sometimes as important as having the natural charisma to be a star. Fans have figured out lately with all of the stop and start pushes of guys (MVP, Evan Bourne, Carlito, John Morrison, R-Truth, and so on) that getting behind someone is a waste of time if they're just going to be made to look weak on the next show. Where before average joes could be made into stars by a single strong win, now they need a series of them before the fans have faith that the company won't cut the push off at the knees.

"Most of them are at least adequate in the ring, but when it comes to the things that make the money (image, promos, style) many of them simply do not match up to the generation before them." - This is true at the moment but also deceptive because this is the first generation of wrestlers that will be brought up in a vacuum. The rising popularity of MMA will have more impact on pro wrestling's future than any other factor. Athletes, especially collegiate wrestlers, that would normally consider a go of pro wrestling in the WWE are now going to see bigger paydays in MMA and the chance to compete "for real" with less of a chance for grievous bodily harm. However, I don't want to veer away from the point the writer is making; few up and coming wrestlers have any say in any of their image, promos or style. Promos are their own deal, but with the death of true competition, there's no chance for a new wrestler to have influence over his image and style. If by chance a wrestler finds success in creating those things, it's a foregone conclusion that the aspects that made them noticeable in the first place will either be drilled out of them or unavailable by the time they're sent to the main roster. Bryan Danielson, a guy considered by many to be one of the best non-WWE wrestlers around, just came to terms on a contract but it's a guarantee that the 30 to 60 minute matches designed around working in a stiff manner with spots meant to play off of MMA submissions and striking will be a thing of the past along with his distinctive entrance music.

"It is almost insulting to suggest that wrestlers who have given ten or more years of their lives to the wrestling business and who have made millions of dollars for the companies that they have worked for should unceremoniously give their spots up to wrestlers who don't even know how to cut a promo." - A promo is a guy going out to the ring with a few bullet points that need to be covered in order to put over the program they are working with someone else and, in doing so, sell tickets to shows and/or get folks to buy pay per views. Unless we're talking specifically about Triple H, Shawn Michaels or Chris Jericho, the wrestlers of today are not cutting promos. This includes Cena, Batista, Orton and everyone else down the line to Santino Marella and Chavo Guerrero. These guys are reading scripts. Some do it better than others, partly because they can give a natural delivery to the dumbest shit possible (John Cena) or because the writers obviously like their character more (Santino Marella). For everybody else, the art of the promo is lost to memorizing lines that the writing staff gives them.

"It is almost insulting to suggest that wrestlers who have given ten or more years of their lives to the wrestling business and who have made millions of dollars for the companies that they have worked for should unceremoniously give their spots up to wrestlers who don't even know how to cut a promo." - YEAH! It's awesome watching guys in their mid- to late-forties and beyond continue to cling to past glory while they continue to physically deteriorate. It's a business! The guys that are on top now are there because other folks either gave up their spots or were forced to do so. The same six to seven guys have wrestled for one of the two championship belts at Wrestlemania for the last five years. It took Cena, Orton, Batista and Edge between four to ten years to get to their current level. Meltzer, Heyman and everyone else under the sun have said it before but it's worth repeating that even if WWE started in earnest to create new stars right now, the mindset of fans and the nature of monthly pay per views and the over-saturation of television would all mean that it would take at least four years to have someone become a main event player.

In conclusion, being a wrestling fan is frustrating, in large part because of other wrestling fans.

(1) And, of course, he's burned out on wrestling, so he let his contract lapse and wrestled his last match on Tuesday night for at least a few months, if not years.
Tags:

Coming soon from TNT...
Sad Face
brandawg
From the network that brought you The Closer, a high-stakes drama about a take-no-guff police interrogator who plays by her own rules starring Kyra Sedgwick , Saving Grace, a high stakes drama about a take-no-guff alcoholic police detective who plays by her own rules starring Holly Hunter, and HawthoRNe, a high-stakes drama about a take-no-guff nurse who plays by her own rules starring Jada Pinkett Smith, comes a trio of the latest in groundbreaking basic cable television:
Autumn Leaves starring Gina Gershon - It's a high-stakes drama about a take-no-guff environmentalist named Autumn Morris who plays by her own rules and moonlights as a tree surgeon.

Mo Money Down starring Laura Linney - It's a high-stakes drama about a take-no-guff real estate agent named Melissa "Mo" Carter who plays by her own rules. Also, she loves her some marijuana.

Rocket's Red Glare starring Vicki Lewis - It's a high-stakes drama about a take-no-guff pyrotechnics expert named Amanda Redekker who plays by her own rules ever since the fireworks accident that haunts her every waking moment: she blew off all but three of her fingers.
Now you! Take a B to C-level actress, add in a premise that feels unusual and original when focused on a female lead, and finish it off with a title that plays off the lead character's name(1). That's all it takes to be an executive over at TNT. They know drama.

(1) Yes, I know this disqualifies The Closer, but go with it.

A Strongly Worded Letter
The I Hate You Sign, Eff all haters!
brandawg
Dear Ryan Reynolds,

As an actor, I dig you, despite your unending penchant for wanting to take up the mantle of Matthew McConaughey and do nothing but romantic comedies. Much like Ben Affleck, I sometimes think that I'm the only guy that does appreciate your acting chops. However, the following quote from the latest Entertainment Weekly (my entertainment news source of record) sort of irks me, unless I'm reading it wrong:
When asked if he's comfortable as a sex symbol, Reynolds sighs. "If you take any of that seriously, you need to be euthanized, ASAP," he says. "There are moments when you can use that to your advantage. But it's really embarrassing. I think I fear more than anything just sounding like a complete a-hole when I have to answer that question."
It's embarrassing? Why then, sir, do you take cover pictures like this? That is called having your cake and eating it, too. Stop it.

Yours in Christ,
Brandawg Dawgriguez

Google Alerts
Bender
brandawg
What Google Alerts do you have set up? I have one for the iPhone, one for the school where I teach and another for the district. I enjoy the Google Alerts and would like to add more because I don't have enough email that I ignore. My problem is that if I want to follow something like "mixed martial arts" or UFC, won't it give me a bunch of stupid results that are stupid that I just hate so much because they're so inane and dumb and stupid? So, help me, Livejournal. You are my only hope.

OH SNAP, DAVE MELTZER!
John Cena
brandawg
From the latest Wrestling Observer Newsletter on the subject of the WWE's planned "Rise and Fall of WCW" DVD:
The word we got some time ago regarding the DVD is the people who put it together were completely, and I mean completely, clueless of the actual history. Their knowledge of WCW history appeared to be scouring the Internet and reading Scott Keith-level historical material, plus so many grew up with the inherent bias from working on the WWE side.
Considering Keith desperately wishes he could be the next Meltzer even though he lacks the necessary connections, writing talent and knowledge, that has got to seriously sting(1).

(1) Wordplay!
Tags:

This is kind of like my Christmas except without gifts.
The Rock
brandawg
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THE ROCK!

You are awesome and I hope your day is awesome. To celebrate, I will go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which, I think, prominently features rocks in some scenes as well as characters who probably smell things. I can't say for sure if it'll feature cooking, though.
Tags:

First Impressions of UFC 2009 Undisputed
"Just playin'!", BONK
brandawg

UFC 2009 Undisputed
Originally uploaded by brandawg
After playing the demo for UFC 2009 Undisputed, here are some of the first impressions and observations based solely on the tutorial and the one match available:

- THQ used some of the same music from the WWE Smackdown vs. Raw series. That was...weird.

- The facial damage system is the coolest thing so far. Punching and kicking to the body will produce welts, but damage to the face results in varying degrees of cuts and bruises based on how often and hard a person is struck. I had Chuck Lidell put Shogun in a half clinch and start pounding away with some dirty boxing and the cut that was already on Shogun's face started to get bigger and bleed more with each punch. Sometimes the eyes can swell shut to the point that the eyeball is no longer visible. This sounds graphic and violent and it is, but it's also true to MMA, which is what should happen in a game like this.

- Each fighter is unique and designed to play to his real-life strengths. Chuck has great wrestling counters, a spinning backfist that knocked me out twelve seconds into the first round and an overhand right that's dangerous. Shogun is great on the ground, has combos that do tons of damage and a flying knee that is impressive as all hell. Those are the only two guys available in the demo, but the replay factor in that alone has lead me to fight at least thirty to forty times as each guy in the day and a half since I downloaded it. I probably won't play as those guys anymore once the game comes out, but that's only because there will be around eighty other fighters available.

- There is going to be a steep learning curve for the controls. The tutorial is very helpful in establishing a basic understanding of what to do, but the nuances will definitely take time to master. Establishing the right distance for certain strikes and knowing when and where to apply the shoulder buttons to add power or height to them is a chore but a rewarding one. Submissions are another story, though.

- Submissions feel impossible to pull off. This could very well be because of the available characters in the demo being true to life: while Shogun is a black belt in BJJ, Liddell has only been submitted once in his career and has great wrestling. Maybe the game is that great that it knows Chuck wouldn't get submitted and that Shogun focuses more on his stand up. If that's not the case, then the submission aspect of the game could turn out to be a disappointment. As it stands, the player has no choice in the submissions they can attempt, as the position of the character determines what they try. In the full mount, Rua and Liddell both went for armbars but I'd love to have the opportunity for a head and arm triangle. I guess once I can play as Lyoto Machida and face Houston Alexander, then it'll be easier to determine if it's the game or the characters.

- Knockouts, meanwhile, seem entirely too easy. It'll be nice if the options will allow the player to determine the frequency and ease of submissions and full-on knock outs because I find the latter to be a little more rare than the former, yet the game seems to think otherwise. However, they look absolutely bad ass because the mouthpiece flies out, the toes curl up and sometimes the dude will twitch. While that's frightening in reality, it's a great touch for a video game.

- Also, can a brother get a decision up in here? I have yet to take a fight all the way, and believe me, I've been trying. Again, this could be the characters currently available, so hopefully a Sean Sherk and Tyson Griffin fight will take up the full fifteen minutes.

- Angela thought it was funny that the boobs of the octagon girls between rounds bounce with each step.

Overall, the game looks like an awesome adaptation of the mixed martial arts experience and I can't wait to pick it up on May 19.

Got milk, bub?
Astonishing X-Men, Wolver-MODOK
brandawg

Got milk, bub?
Originally uploaded by brandawg
Let's ignore the fact that all Got Milk ads are really just vehicles to make celebrities look like they just finished filming Japanese pornography and acknowledge that as a cold, hard fact because that is hardly the issue with this picture. As an aside, though, the point is made all the more obvious by Wolverine's There's Something About Mary hairstyle.

The issue I have is with his right shoulder. What...what is that? Is that poorly lit mass his skin? Is it an odd collection of veins? Photoshop exists, so why let that weird area show up in that way? The picture is designed so as to draw attention to Wolverine's face and semen mustache through the framed area created by his claws. Unfortunately, the only thing catching my eye is that disgusting shoulder that should have healed a long time ago but didn't.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT SHOULDER, WOLVERINE?! YOU SHOULD GET THAT LOOKED AT!
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All Axxess
The Rock
brandawg
Michael Cole sucked for a very long time as a WWE commentator. Then he was paired with Tazz on Smackdown and the two became frenemies who had decent chemistry as a team. When ECW came back, Tazz left and JBL became Cole's partner, and the two made an awesome team because Bradshaw's personality is so overbearing that Cole was forced to assert himself. Unfortunately, Vince McMahon loves to yell at and berate his commentators nonstop during the course of the shows. He's the very definition of a micro-manager, and Michael Cole gets the worst of it. Since moving to RAW last year, Cole has become a parody of himself because Vince has made him too scared to call a single move out of the fear that he'll get ripped a new earhole on his headset. However, Cole's biggest (and most annoying) trademark has become his excited "VINTAGE [Insert WWE Superstar Name Here]!" This is especially bad when the thing the person did to get said call isn't particularly notable or even worse, the person doing the thing to get the call hasn't been around all that long. "VINTAGE SCOTTY GOLDMAN!" doesn't have the gravitas to it that "VINTAGE UNDERTAKER!" has.

At the Wrestlemania Fan Axxess show in Houston over the weekend, fans had the chance to call a match with a WWE commentator with a copy of the tape. I did this once back in 2000 with Nick, using the opportunity to mock Michael Cole endlessly, not unlike the way Vince McMahon probably does today. This report from Bryan Alvarez's Figure Four Weekly reveals that at least Michael Cole seems to have a sense of humor about his plight.
I just called a match with Michael Cole --and he is working ALL OF YOU!

I was at the Axxess deal and he threw in 'vintage' over and over ON PURPOSE because I egged him on.

The highlight was-

COLE: Wow, Shawn Michaels stealing a page from The Nature Boy's playbook. Locking on a figure four!

SOLO: Is that vintage Flair or in this case Michaels?

COLE: It's v--.

SOLO: Sorry COLE, can't hear you over ALL THIS YELLING IN THE HEADSET!

At this point Cole spit his Starbucks and marked out for 30 seconds. At the end of the deal he told me he loved the line and signed my DVD of he and I: "Vintage" Michael Cole!

Man, now I want to call a match with Michael Cole because everyone can relate to a guy that has a cool job that isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Also, as an aside, the iPhone's automatic spellcheck has spoiled me to no end.
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He's done it again!
Bender
brandawg
JokeREY MYSTERIO


As mentioned previously, Rey Mysterio likes him some superhero variations on his wrestling costumes and usually busts them out around Wrestlemania. He did it again this year by copying a bunch of high schoolers and everyone else in the known world by doing his best Heath Ledger impression that doesn't involve decomposition. HOORAY! 'Cause it does look pretty cool.
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The ACTUAL Wrestlemania XXV Card
"Let's smirk!", Triple H
brandawg
WWE Spinning Championship - Triple H vs. Randy Orton
The build for this hit a snag almost immediately, and bringing back Shane and Vince the week before 'Mania served only to build up Backlash more so than get people to buy the biggest pay per view of the year. The placement of the match determines the winner more than the actual match itself. I think if it goes on last, Triple H wins (for the first time in six years at Wrestlemania!). If it doesn't, then Orton wins because he's the best thing WWE has going for it right now.

World Heavyweight Championship - Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show (Triple Threat Match)
Again, the only thing that determines the finish is the placement. Since the winner gets Vickie Guerrero, then I imagine John Cena wins since he's the only one that doesn't want her. I imagine that means this match goes on last. Also, I don't think this will be any good at all.

Intercontinental Championship - JBL vs. Rey Mysterio
JBL has promised something history making, and Meltzer thinks that means Bradshaw is retiring with the championship. I figure they'll get one more month out of the feud that was thrown together a week ago by having them face each other again at Backlash in a mask vs. career match. But who knows? Certainly, WWE doesn't.

Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy (Extreme Rules Match)
Seriously, I know that their first regular PPV match sucked (because I was there), but this is the first in what will undoubtedly be a longer feud. Why are they already doing an Extreme Rules match? Matt should win here, but, even if he does so through nefarious means, it doesn't matter because anything goes in an Extreme Rules match. What's the impetus for a second match then? This is why the first is always a standard, regular match.

WWE Tag Team Champions - The Miz & John Morrison vs. World Tag Team Champions - The Colons (Unified Tag Team Championship Lumberjack Match)
The Miz and John Morrison are the best tag team around. They already show up freely on every show, so they should win.

Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker
The Undertaker's streak should just stick around forever at this point and he's going to win here, but, man, if any single match could get me to buy this show, it's this one. I seriously want to see this one more than anything else, but I can't justify $55 bucks for this single match and that's what this Wrestlemania boils down to: this match. It'll be awesome, I just won't see it.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match - MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. CM Punk vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Kofi Kingston
The pedigree of this match carries a high standard, but, with the exception of Shelton Benjamin and Christian, these guys don't instill the faith in me to carry out a ladder match of epic proportions, which is what MitB needs. It doesn't help that every match they've had in the build-up has sucked. If I had to pick a winner, I'd go with Christian or Shelton. MVP has a belt, CM Punk has won before, Kofi is too much of a jobber, and Henry and Kane both have won world championships before.

25-Diva Battle Royal
Santino Marella or Beth Phoenix will win this one depending on how seriously WWE wants to take the "Miss Wrestlemania" title.

Chris Jericho vs. WWE Legends - Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, & Ricky Steamboat
This is gauntlet-style, so Jericho will beat Piper and Snuka and then have a competitive match against Steamboat which the latter will win with the help of Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke and possibly Jerry Lawler. Ideally, we're looking at the feel-good moment of the show.

Man, this feels like a really strong B-show and not Wrestlemania at all. This'll be the first Wrestlemania that I won't be watching live since WMXIV. How sad is that? Eleven years and this one comes across so weak that I can't bring myself to give them my hard-earned cash.
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THOR'S Day
Obama is the Anti-Christ and/or Hitler!
brandawg
Between diaries that keep secrets from computers, the many interpretations of the term FunCooker, Dr. Ross harvesting a teenager for parts and Jim Cramer's utter evisceration by Jon Stewart, this was the best night of television in a long, long time.

Booking Wrestlemania 25
"Let's smirk!", Triple H
brandawg
Fantasy booking sucks, so consider this an exercise in trying to plan something out a little bit more in advance than WWE actually has this year. This is based purely on where things stand right now, so it'll probably change in about an hour or two.

WWE Spinning Championship - Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton - The storyline has been that Triple H has come to the rescue of the McMahon family against Orton, who has been kicking all of their heads off, finally acknowledging the worst kept secret in wrestling that he and Stephanie are married. This is not to be confused with the time Triple H gave Steph roofies and married her in Las Vegas. Randy Orton has become the best character in the company now, and Triple H refuses to let his WM storylines suck after Jericho broke his dog's leg a few years ago.

WWE Non-Spinning Championship - Edge (c) vs. John Cena - There's no real story here, but John Cena has been in a title match for the last four Wrestlemanias and he's the biggest star in the company.

Mr. Wrestlemania vs. The Streak - Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker - The storyline is that JBL wants to cement his legacy by ending Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak. But HBK wants to do it, too, and they're going to fight on RAW this Monday to win the honor of losing to the Dead Man at Wrestlemania 25. These guys had great matches 12 years ago and haven't really faced each other since. With Undertaker's improvement in the intervening time, I can see this being a fucking phenomenal match.

The Soothsayer vs. The Wrestler - Chris Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke (with a shitload of WWE Legends) - The deal is that Mickey Rourke "officially" pulled out of the match with Chris Jericho so as to salvage his chances at winning the Oscar. Chances are he'll probably decide to do it once Sunday has come and gone, Oscar or not. If he doesn't, then who knows what will actually happen. The word going around is that Jericho will face 10 different legends in some kind of handicap or gauntlet match.

Brother vs. Brother - Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy - WWE probably won't make this a ladder match or a TLC match since two on one show (what with Money in the Bank and all) tends to be overkill at Wrestlemania and Vince tends to be sensitive to that, as opposed to TNA which does an entire show of cage matches every year. I really hope the two of them have a lot of help in laying this out since their only match before, back in 2001, was just awful.

Money in the Bank - Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz vs. CM Punk vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. William Regal vs. UMANGA - I see either John Morrison or Rey winning the guaranteed title shot this year. Mysterio has been stuck in the midcard while Morrison has improved enough to rise above it.

The Monster Mash - Kozlov vs. Great Khali vs. Mark Henry vs. Kane vs. Big Show - Meltzer mentioned this as a way of keeping all of the horrible wrestlers together so as not to stink up the card by being spread out. It works for me. Big Show seems very intertwined in the Vickie Guerrero/Edge storyline, though, so I can see him getting slotted into the main event with Cena as well. That's also okay because Big Show is the least horrible of the lot with Kane a close second.

ECW Championship - Jack Swagger (c) vs. Christian vs. Finlay - But, really, who cares, right?

Obligatory Divas Match - All of 'em - Because they have to. Also, Santino will probably get beat up by all of the girls here.

Here are the major names still left out: JBL, MVP, Mr. Kennedy, Chavo Guerrero, Legacy, Cryme Tyme, R-Truth, The Colons, and the rest...

I can see Legacy playing a role in the Orton/HHH match. Otherwise, JBL is the only one that really sticks out as needing something to do. Unless WWE gets Rourke involved and assuming Rourke wins the Oscar (which, because of his initial agreement to work Wrestlemania and the subsequent buzz around Sean Penn, I don't see as being quite the lock it was a month ago), this Wrestlemania really seems to missing something special. Also, rumors keep swirling that Stone Cold Steve Austin will have a farewell match but you'll excuse me if I yawn at the thought.
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WWE is all about next gen.
John Cena
brandawg
According to WWE logic, the hottest main event feud they have going is Randy Orton vs. Shane McMahon. This is stupid on a number of levels, but the worst part is how Randy Orton comes off as the biggest fool in wrestling!

UNLESS...Shane McMahon has implemented dreaded force field technology into his post-match antics. Yes, force fields. That is the only way to explain how Shane managed to make Randy Orton, the guy who carries himself like the baddest man in the universe and has a rage disorder that makes him prone to horrifically violent acts beyond his own scope of control, stay at the very end of the entrance ramp while the pudgy 39 year old ever-so-slowly arranged a prone Ted Dibiase Jr. in the corner whilst setting up a garbage can to stay just so as he ascended the top rope in a feeble attempt to yet again copy an RVD spot that was only cool to watch eight years ago because wrestling has since evolved from stunt spots that got him over in the first place. FORCE FIELDS! That's the only explanation. Otherwise, given the insane amount of time Shane McMahon took to set up his attack, Orton could have run down and punted Shane in the head or saved Dibiase by pulling him from under the bottom rope. Instead, Randy Orton had the constipated look of a 1920's silent film era villain whose intertitle states, "CURSES!" If he had a mustache, he'd be twisting it.

That has to be the reason because the alternative is that Randy Orton, despite being the guy WWE wants to have as their foundation, a dude around whom they want to build their company, can't do single goddamned thing against the owner's older, out-of-shape, dancing, slow, gray-haired son. And that is just sad. At least in TNA, they consistently make no sense whatsoever so there's no need to try and justify anything they do.
Tags:

Lost Speculation
Hurley
brandawg
For one, how great is Lost, am I right?

Possible SPOILERS!Collapse )

Basically, I kind of just want to talk about Lost, guys.

And Another Thing!
"Let's smirk!", Triple H
brandawg
You know what else is a great thing that happens in wrestling? When Shane McMahon shows up at RAW all out of shape and pudgy and two weeks removed from his 39th birthday with his gray hair and sad face on and then proceeds to seek revenge for his fallen jerk of a father by beating the shit out of Randy Orton, the company's top heel, with punches that would embarrass a kitten in their weakness.

Oh, wait. I mean that as that other thing that happens in wrestling. What is it? Yeah, awful. It's one of those awful things. And it happened.
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Re: A Strongly W(WE)orded Letter
WWE Folks, angle, Team Angle
brandawg
Dear Matt Hardy,

Touché, sir. Touché(1).

But you still need a haircut. Just don't go to the Supercuts because you'll have to go to someone else to get it fixed shortly afterward.

Warmest regards in Christ,
Brandawg Dawgriguez

(1) While there's no way to determine where the rest of the "Matt Hardy turns on Jeff Hardy" angle will go since the Smackdown tapings have yet to be reported, I do feel confident in saying two things. One, the angle makes no sense based on everything that has taken place since Survivor Series. Two, if the rumors are true and WWE swapped out Christian for Matt Hardy in the angle for the sole reason that word had gotten out about Christian's role, then the company is doing themselves a grave disservice for the sake of a surprise. Why take something that makes sense and would be good and change it to something so bad just because people understand logical storytelling? All signs pointed to Christian attacking Jeff Hardy backstage, running him and his girlfriend off the road in a hit-and-run car accident and making pyro go off haphazardly around the now former WWE champion partly because that's what people wanted. Surprisingly, the confluence of events of Christian Cage letting his TNA contract expire and the mystery of Who Attacked Jeff Hardy at Survivor Series combined to get fans excited for once and hope for a situation where something they would like to see could somehow happen. This used to be known as fantasy booking. As is normally the case when it comes to things the fans want, WWE went in the opposite direction. Being a wrestling fan is like being in an abusive relationship sometimes, man. They give a fella hope that they're going to do the right thing and change their ways for the better, and then boom. Matt Hardy hits his brother with a chair.

Also, a sure-fire way for Matt Hardy to turn heel is to betray his brother. Plus, Matt Hardy needs to be a heel since his act is stale as a rice cake. The problem is that this particular story of a secret assailant sabotaging Jeff Hardy over the past three months to the benefit of Edge, of all people, did not lead to Matt Hardy being the culprit. If Matt needed to turn, the storyline should have allowed for that possibility to MAKE SENSE. That's all I'm asking. Make sense, dude.

Shorter President Obama
Super Obama
brandawg
Obama to GOP: 'I won'

Suck it, bitches!
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A Strongly Worded Letter
"Let's smirk!", Triple H
brandawg
Dear Matt Hardy,

Far be it from me to give fashion or follicle advice to anyone since my fashion sense consists of "things that are clean" and I haven't really cut my hair in a year and a half. With that being said, I would like to make the following request, Matt: Get a haircut! Hell, get a whole new look already! Matt Hardy has kept the exact same look for the past decade: oddly patterned long pants, elbow pads with long forearm/hand wraps, chinstrap beard with a soul patch, and long hair. Sometimes he wears a shirt and sometimes he doesn't. Basically, he's Tommy the Green Ranger. And, you know, in 1999, that was okay. It isn't now.

Over time, two things have happened. For one, style has changed, which by itself wouldn't necessitate a makeover for the dude since wrestlers pride themselves on sticking to what works until outside forces cause them to do something new. Jeff Hardy has kept the same look over the exact same amount of time only adding tattoos and a shitload of day-glo paint every once in awhile and Triple H still wears a leather jacket with a denim vest over it, a look that was cool when Hunter was a pre-adolescent, so it's not like the clothes alone make the sports entertainer.

The other thing to consider is that you, Matt Hardy, are 34 now and looks like you're 40. Not only do you look like you're 40, you look like you're a 40 year old trying to pull off a 24 year old's look. Again, this is a common occurrence for wrestlers. But, Matt, you're going bald and will soon have less hair than Shawn Michaels. I hate to break it to you but the cul-de-sacs that have extended your fivehead make the center look like a collection of black cotton balls.

Face it, you don't have the hair of your brother or Edge or Triple H. Know who else doesn't? Your buddy Christian Cage. And he dealt with it by updating his look, becoming a world champion in another promotion and earning himself what looks like a possible marquee match at Wrestlemania 25 pretty soon. When was the last time you were the center of a marquee match at Wrestlemania that wasn't Money in the Bank, Matt? One that was based on you and your storytelling ability? And I have a theory as to why. Your aging but trying to stay hip look SCREAMS midcard. Kurt Angle faced a similar problem before because he was noticeably balding. But a shaved head later, he was a full-time main eventer.

Matt Hardy, get a haircut. I'll do it if you do it.

Warmest regards in Christ,
Brandawg Dawgriguez

Orchestral Doogie
Dancing B
brandawg
Neil Patrick Harris knows the way to my heart and it's through electronic keyboard.
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Bash Wars III
Inanimate Carbon Rod, Peter & MJ
brandawg

Hey, folks! I'm in Vegas for the weekend and noticed that my Bash Wars participant, the Inanimate Carbon Rod, is just a little behind in the polls with just a scant few hours left before voting ends. Please help the rod move onto the finals and into Bash Wars history by going to gore_sports, joining and then voting for the Inanimate Carbon Rod.

The Rod will thank you each personally if you do.*

* Note: Not an actual guarantee.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Favorite Bits 'O Comedy
"POW!  In the face!", "Whatta punch!"
brandawg
One of my favorite bits in comedy is the naming of one's fists. I did it the other day whilst joking with a student, giving them the monikers Sister O'Hoolihan and Father Murphy. I like it so much that I would like to know the designation you would give your dukes if ever given the opportunity to address them as weapons of mass destruction to someone else. If you can't think of a good one, let me know and I'll title them for you.

Mistaken Lyrics
Dancing B
brandawg
I could have sworn that TI said "Want Joe Biden" but "Want your body" makes more sense. What lyrics have you mistaken before?
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Bash Wars III
The I Hate You Sign, Eff all haters!
brandawg
I encourage everyone to join gore_sports and voting for ME. In the previous two years, I entered as myself, with diminishing returns. This year, I decided to go a different route and enter as the Inanimate Carbon Rod from The Simpsons episode "Deep Space Homer." The Rod is nigh-unstoppable and utterly ridiculous, so I'm hoping that it stands a good chance. I'm going up against Deadpool, a 1990's Marvel Comics X-villain that can best be described as a cross between Spider-Man, Wolverine and the Punisher and created by Rob Liefeld. Really, Deadpool is the ultimate Mary Sue character, so a vote for Deadpool is a vote for bad writing. Instead, vote for the Inanimate Carbon Rod which saves American astronauts in SPACE from the dangers of giant insects.

Anyway, I need as much help as possible as many of the gore_sports members are wankish fandom comic book jerks and voted for Deadpool. COMBAT THIS! VOTE FOR MY ROD! Or, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, vote for THE ROD.

Also, I have some friends in the first round who will become my enemies later. However, I would like some of them to survive and fight in the later rounds. Therefore, also vote for Megan Fox, the Smoke Monster and Eugene Levy's eyebrows. Also, maybe Kool-Aid Man. However, should any of them face me later on, I fully expect you to switch your loyalties back to me because the Inanimate Carbon Rod is better than all of them.

GO! VOTE! NOW! Please...?

PS:
"I'm talking to an idiot.", "Burn.", Insomnia is a foul mistress., Flustered
brandawg
Hey, Prop 8! What the fuck?!
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President Obama
Super Obama
brandawg
I am so proud.
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Shorter Sarah Palin
Old Man McCain
brandawg
Palin pre-empts state report, clears self in probe

PEW! PEW! PEW! See, I told you guys I didn't do anything wrong.
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Oh, Sarah Vowell...there is a reason I want you to be my sister.
Bender
brandawg
Sarah Vowell, on the idea that Sarah Palin and those who visit Ground Zero like to use the event to look solemn and concerned but inevitably wind up shitting on the same folks for being snobby East Coast elites:

"The East Coast was American enough for Al-Qaeda, it should be American enough for them."

Query for the dude who knows how to win wars:
Old Man McCain
brandawg
WHAT FUCKING WAR DID YOU WIN?
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